Sunday, 9 March 2014

MISSING IN ACTION

So few had known my struggle with infertility and the heart ache it was causing on a daily basis. But this one person, who I considered a good friend, had known my rough ride on the journey so far. She had seen me at my lowest point as I struggled to hold it together (a better description would be not holding it together) on the anniversary of my miscarriage, I had spent many hours telling her of the unexpected heart ache and she listened and encouraged.

I had been resistant is seeing a specialist as I had tried and tried before to get a referral, all the doctors I had seen were coming up with what felt like 101 reasons why I didn't need to see one. I was angry and frustrated at the medical system, at these crappy doctors in the public system. I recall relaying this to her and having a laugh at some of the 'better' doctor experiences that we had had.

She knew of my upcoming appointment with the fertility specialist, we had spoken while I was sitting in that empty waiting room, I was nervous at what was to come, who I was going to see, and if the doctor would just fob me off like everyone else had. She had planned to see me after so we could chat about what had happened, so I could make sense of the situation, especially after I had been given a glimmer of light after over a year of darkness.

She thought I was just pissed. Pissed that she had cancelled on me again. But what she didn't know was that it ran deeper than that, deeper than just being left in the lurch again.

And truth be told it was my fault that I didn't tell her why her cancelling on me had upset me so. My right hand man so to say, the first person I would turn to after my husband, was nowhere to be seen, for one of the most important days in my life.

And this day changed my life forever. Without this day I wouldn't have felt the intense joy as I found out I was pregnant a few weeks later, which was only possible with the help of that specialist appointment. But that day also brought something unexpected. I lost a friend when that's all I needed.

After I wrote this I showed it to my husband who encouraged me, and told me that everything happens for a reason, and that it was inevitable for this to happen. It's just their personalities, they had done it to quite a few people in our friendships lifetime and they are likely to continue to do it. I emailed this to that lost friend after a post on her facebook wall sparked the writing of this. She thought that just cancelling on me caused the end of our friendship. That was not the case it was a time of need and this had happened over 6 times in row. I was even more enraged when she had stopped talking to a friend a couple of months previously because she was doing the exact same thing to her. I don't like hypocrites. So as I was saddened at a loss I am excited about a new season. I have many friends around me who I love and love to do life with. 


In my new season as a mum of 2 boys

Friday, 7 March 2014

A BIT OF BLING

When I was talking to my now husband about getting married, I started looking at engagement rings. I wanted a BIG one! The biggest we could afford. I like big things, especially jewelry, especially as a 19 year old. Not that I regret my choice, I love my ring, it's totally me! But as I was driving my oldest son to kinda today, I noticed my hand was bare. Not uncommon I often leave the house without my wedding bands.

Ever since I fell pregnant with Israel I have been self conscious about weather or not I am wearing my rings. The main reason for this is being a young mum. There is such a stigma about young mums. In today's day and age women hold off to have children and get married until they have established their career, set up their home and traveled the world. I chose to get married young. I had only been 21 for 2 months when I tied the knot. 3 months previously my husband and I had purchased our first home together, we rented it out then I deferred from university for 1 year so that we could travel around Australia in a purple kombi for our honeymoon. So in no way do I feel like I have missed out on living life to it's fullest (and I do not let my children let me from living life, they are fully included on our adventures).

But being young you get judged, I walked into my first midwife appointment I had just turned 23, and the first thing the midwife asked me was weather or not I was surprised. The answer no, no I wasn't this baby was very much planned and 6 months in the making.

So maybe I like to wear my rings to prove to the world that I have my shit together. I'm not just a young girl who got knocked up and chose to keep the baby. THIS WAS PLANNED. Maybe my self consciousness comes from my own judging. I often catch myself looking down at that finger on the left hand, trying to figure out someones story. And I thought I had very much grown past this stage of life, the self conscious part, then came the kindergarten drop off at a Christian school, with all the mums being much older than I. Let the hiding my left hand judging fun times begin as I enter the room hand naked.

Thursday, 6 March 2014

GET OFF YA PHONE!

WARNING this is a rant. 

This generation kills me. 

My generation.

Seriously. Can you get off your phone for just a minute. 

When did we become so information obsesses. So needy. So addicted to our smart phones that we feel like we are missing apart of ourselves if we leave it at home or God forbid the battery goes flat while we are out. 

This is not what I intended to write about. But as I sit here in a community space trying to pass a couple of hours while my oldest son it at kindergarten, too far and too impractical to go home, so instead I sit here and write. As I open my screen the waitress catches my eye. There is a window that looks out into the community space from the cafe. She has her back turned to her customers, head down and intently looking and tapping away at that little screen. And what erks me is that I'm pretty sure her employer is not paying her to check her messages. Can't you wait another hour to reply until you go on lunch break.

When I was in year 9 I begged my parents to let me get a mobile phone, you know one with real buttons not a touch screen, no internet access and if I was lucky a couple of ancient games in black and grey screen. And then all of a sudden EVERYONE had a mobile. and we were taking it to school, sneaking it in the pocket of our unflattering A frame checkered school dress, willing for a text to come through. Oh how times have changed. I cannot imagine being a high school teacher now and having this distraction in class. 

Ugh and there she is again tap tap tapping away. And again. All in the space of 30 minutes. 

And here's to prove sometimes I can't live without my smart phone wither.